Personal Inventory

Sometimes when one makes decisions, no matter how much planning and foresight went into said decision, it still doesn't work out nearly as planned. And unfortunately, those decisions often come with consequences. It seems that despite meticulous planning, life never works out as intended.

During the past 10 months, I have worked tirelessly to create a new life for myself. One filled with freedom, responsibility, passion, joy and success. Realistically, that's what everyone wants regardless of whether they admit it or not. I think humans desire the feelings of liberation and happiness that comes with perseverance to achieve something, no matter how small. As I began to settle in to this new life, I was abruptly reminded that I was indeed living life and not a fairy tale.

Consequences from altering my prior life still exist as a burden both physically as there is still unfinished business and emotionally as I must often consciously remind myself that people are not all the same. I am more willing to accept these struggles as they came from my own choices and decisions.

But what about the 'consequences' that came from nothing more than being a part of humanity? I suppose those are the ones that I should concern myself least with; however, those are the struggles that consume me the most. Watching the progression of cancer transform both of my parents' lives at a torturous snail's pace is almost too much to handle at times. Yet as long as it seems that I have been an observer in their struggles, time has gone entirely too fast. It is difficult to describe the pain that comes with watching one person die, much less two people, and having zero control over anything. There is a line in one of my favorite songs that simply says "love is watching someone die", which perhaps seems strange but there is a calming, happy truth to that. And as a result, I suppose I feel almost privileged to love in that capacity.

What I find to be the strangest part of this chapter in my life is that although there are times I feel intense pain, those times are often outweighed by incredible happiness. I have found something that makes me truly, uncontrollably happy...rather, it found me. I haven't decided what it is yet. I think most people would call it love, but I'm not convinced that fully explains it. Society has many variations on the 'love' theme, none of which really matches what I'm experiencing. I suppose it's more like a contentedness that you feel after an extravagant dinner where you don't need nor want to eat anything else. Where even thinking about eating anymore makes you feel a little uncomfortable. Where all you want to do is nap with a grin of satisfaction as you fall asleep.

I never thought I would discover what it really meant, my happiness. Now I think I have an idea. On the dark and cold and miry path that has and continues to be my journey, I have somehow stumbled upon a light that has yet to go out. I mentally trained to take that journey alone, preparing for the unease as I walk in the dark. I meticulously planned how to handle the shock of turning the corner to face whatever monster lurked there alone. But life never works out as planned. And in this case, I am thankful it didn't. Although I still must keep moving forward on the road that scares me more than anything I can imagine, I am clutching onto the light that somehow decided to walk with me. And because of that, he makes it a little easier to see...