Hard to Imagine

that it has been almost 3 years without Dad.  And, unfortunately, since my last post it has now been just about a year without Mom.  There is a significant piece of me that wishes I documented and recorded more of my time during those struggles.  But thinking back realistically, I could barely stand up some days, much less write.  I took some time to read the posts from the past, and realized that this space was never intended to chronicle my daily life.  Instead, it serves as a place to share significant thoughts or realizations...well, significant to me, anyway.

When Mom passed away in January 2012, it was a completely different experience than what occurred with Dad.  I'm not exactly sure why I expected them to be similar. I suppose I took comfort knowing that I had been through it once, I could do it again.  After watching Mom endure the pain and suffering that only cancer brings and words cannot describe, I had a very very small understanding of what soldiers feel with PTSD.  I had no idea how I was going to be able to relate to....anyone after going through that with her.  There were days where I just stared into space, having no concept of what I should do next.  Venturing out and doing something simple like clothes shopping was terrifying and devastating- and I had no idea why.  Usually I am strong.  And usually I am a fighter.  I think I ran out of fuel after this. 

Remember that light I mentioned in an earlier post?  That light still shines brighter than ever.  And thanks to that light, along with several other very bright beacons, I refueled.  I dug my heels into the ground and chose to continue living the life I started to create, and continue creating it.  Mom and Dad raised me for this.  For this very time in my life when I would be on my own, learning what it is to truly create my future. 

Although my parents are gone and left way too soon, I can't help but feel like this very time is what I've been working towards my whole life.  All the lessons, skills, talks, wisdom, values, priorities, love that they gave/taught/showed me were for this- for now and all the years going forward.  Through my sadness, as there is not a single day- not one- that passes when I don't think about them, I can't help but be excited and put those lessons to practice. 

Back to those lights that illuminate my path.  Somehow I've got the brother I always wanted but never thought I could have.  He has been there for me during the most brutal, ugly, dark times and helped me stand when I didn't think I could. 

But my brightest, longest lasting light- I married him.  Tonight, as I prepared for yet another potential change in my life, he was there.  And as I laid in the dark next to him, I felt something that I haven't felt in a very, very long time.  I looked around at my comfy bed, my soft sheets and plush pillow.  I saw him sleeping while clutching my arm to his heart.  And I realized, right at that moment that I found it.  I have truly found happiness.